Dear, lovers....
I'm feeling kind of weird right now. Really really weird. I'm feeling sad but also having a strong peace at the same time. Have u guys ever feel it? Or am i the only one? Because i'm thinking of if maybe i start being crazy.
I got dumped few weeks ago. Right! I proposed a guy! Well, what i mean is, he was asking me if the status on my social media talked about him or another guy . So i confesed that i have a special feeling for him. But actually i also not sure about what that feeling is. I do like him and he is special but i'm not sure if it's love. Because i know that there's another guy that i adore so much and i can't forget him. Or can we as human love two different people at the same time? Whatever the feeling is, i hurt so much when he told me that he has no the same feeling like mine.
I've been crying a lot after the rejection. We were in a good term even after that confesion. But then it got worse. The last few weeks, i felt really miss him. So i contacted him. But no respond. I texted him, but no reply. I called him, but no answer. I know it sounds creepy. It looks like i'm obsessed with him. Well, i'm not a typical girl who will obsessed with any guy. It was just that i missed him badly and it hurt me a lot. I was thinking that maybe i will feel better after a small talk with him. But then yeah he kept ignored me. So i asked him (by the DM) is he trying to avoid meand want me to stop. But then he replied me how am i doing. But i was too disappointed to texted him back.
I felt so much emotional. I kept asking myself so many questions. Am i not worth? Am i not good enough? Am i really bad person? What is wrong with me? and all similar questions about my quality. So i started feeling disgust of myself. It makes me feel really bad and sad about myself. At that kind of situation, i don't know who to tell. I can't tell my mom, ir even my bestfriend. I don't know how to describe my feeling that time. My head spinning because i missed him badly but he ignored me. Feeling sad and angry at the same time is really not a good mix. Angry about myself that i was begging a lot, that maybe he can give me a lil bit feeling of "love". So i put it as status in my social media. I put a lot of insta story about how i felt. I even put some quote to motivate myself.
We didn't talk at all. We just seing each other's insta stories. I saw he post some video story with a girl. They were kissing. She's so beautiful and hot and i lost my confident. I'm nothing compared to her. So i thought maybe it's my right time to stop. He seems so happy with that girl which made me realise the things that i can't give to him that "happyness".
I felt really bad. I was so egoist all the time i asked if we can have a call. Maybe that time when i asked, he wanna enjoy his vacations. We weren't in a relationship so basically he has nothing to do with me. We were only having a good time. That's all. (Oh my god, even now when i'm writing this, i can't stop my tears). This fact is just like a bomb.
I cried almost everyday before sleeping and when i wake up. Tried so hard so that i don't cry at work. I put this status with pink background, then he unfollow me after.
I don't know how to respon to this "unfollow case". I just promised myself to love myself more, forgive myself for not doing good enough, do better and be the best version of myself after this.
So yeah since then, i'm looking for some ways to go away from this island where i live now (Gili Air). Looking for any scholarship which looks so impossible because i'm not good at studying and i don't like reading any academic books. Or maybe working away which also looks impossible because i don't know my talent. What i know about myself is that i'm a fast learner. I keep saying to myself that what i'm doing now is i'm on my way doing better. But it's not totally true. I know for sure i'm running away. I don't think that i can stay here anymore. Because wherever i go, whatever i'm doing, it all remind me of him and the Finland guy.
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